The Snug Harness Blog

Harness Employed By Large Man’s Crotch

TULSA – It’s been a tough couple of months for Leonard Seraph, a Universal Harness from Snug Harness.com, but the work must be done. Three month’s ago Leonard was dispatched from the factory into the services of Albert Strickland, a 350 pound. construction worker. 

Leonard’s duties consist primarily of protecting Albert in case he should fall. He also makes sure that Albert feels comfortable throughout the day, which can be difficult in temperatures soaring above 100 degrees.

“It can get pretty hot out there, moving around. I sweat a lot, and some mornings I don’t have time to shower, so I’m sure it’s pretty tough on Leonard,” said Strickland.

Albert’s co-workers describe him as disgusting, and “smelling of cheese.”

Leonard says that, “it is tough… The guy weighs a ton, and he sweats. Apparently, it’s glandular, but I’m not positive on that. All I know is that on most days my straps are wedged between his massive thighs in what I like to call ‘No Man’s Land.’  Have you ever seen a black hole? How about the swamp in Star Wars? Yeah? It’s kind of like that.”

Leonard also says, “it can be pretty upsetting when you’re discarded like a piece of equipment at the end of each day. Trust me, I didn’t get this stain by myself.”

Strickland denies any abuse and gets Leonard inspected each day before work begins. A healthy practice that is sorely lacking in today’s construction field, but one that will make sure Albert and Leonard are around to enjoy tomorrow.

According to Leonard, “it is tough, but somebody’s got to do it. So, if pressing my straps against this man’s crotch saves his life, I’ve done my job. I just hope that when I begin to fray and I retire from active duty that they’ll spray me down with a pressure washer so I don’t have to live with this smell for the rest of my life”

Fat Fish Stops Fighting – Out of Breath

LAKE MICHIGAN – An obese Lake Michigan trout, known to his friends as “Tubby,” was caught Thursday afternoon. 

After eating his third full meal of the afternoon, Tubby set out to find dessert. He eventually settled on a shiny piece of plastic that didn’t resemble a fish at all. After he bit into the lure, Tubby panicked.

According to Tubby’s friend Cliff: “I saw him get grabbed. I’m kind of his wingman down here. Yeah we get caught all the time. Everyone has heard about… I mean who hasn’t. Fish get caught daily. It really is an epidemic; the same goes for Lake Michigan fish, they’re among the fattest in the Great Lakes.”

“Tubby tried in vein to snap the line for about 3 seconds, and then threw in the towel… He was out of breath,” said his brother, Raphael, who owns the tiny trinket shop that hawks lost lures and other long forgotten fishing tackle.

Within seconds, Tubby wafted to the surface to be pulled aboard “The Main Squeeze” appearing out of breath and lethargic.

“I could tell he was morbidly obese when I saw him, but when I was reeling him in, he felt like a little guy. I was impressed by his girth,” said the local angler Walt Thompson, who caught Tubby. 

When the hook was removed and, Tubby finally caught his breath, he struck up a nice conversation with the fishermen. He played a couple of games of Euchre and was filleted at 6 P.M.

Tubby was scheduled to have a gastric bypass procedure done next Tuesday. A memorial service has yet to be scheduled.